Today I had the joy of looking through some of my baby pictures! I was a mentalist...I am a mentalist, I blame my mom! Clearly back in the day...[when this day was I don't know but was a time befor style...or sense.....or cotton [Matching polyester sailor suit anyone?!] Looking at these pictures some brought back memories, some did not; but my mom was at hand to add some context to the pictures. My mom clearly wanted to be Doris Day, my dad looks like a Mexican....I still think he looks like a Mexican! I really miss Grandad Norman; there was a picture of him holding me when I was just a baby... you could see the love in his eyes and I still remember the friendship we had, I never got on with my grandma but I make an effort with her...this is vast progress from what our relationship used to be. Then there's nan and Grandad Gilbert; I had the joy of spending christmas with them this year; I'm still recovering.

We flicked through their wedding pictures and Grandad's flippant face stuck out in every picture...probably because it was such a familar sight. I laughed so hard! As I thumbed through drawers, albums and other piles of images I realised that I have minimal pictures of our family now, Nai and Sy need something that they can look back on...we started this Christmas ... but I'm glad that MOST of these pictures will NEVER see the light of day... pictures to come!

I heard a puff, I heard a blow
I felt the ground, I felt the snow
I thought of linen and old lace
I never really saw his face
I heard a grunt, I heard a moan
I felt the sun, I saw the moon
I saw the northern light above
And the eclipse of the sun
I am a breath, I am a wish
I am a rocket, And a fish
I felt his measures and his weight
My own body as a scale
You heard a whisper in my ear
You are not here, you are not there
I saw the northern light above
The eclipse of the sun
My feet was hurt, my knees were sore
And I wondered why he burned
And I wondered why he burned

Kino - The Knife

This time of year has always been busy for our family, 23rd Dad's Birthday, 24th Christmas Eve, 25th Christmas, 26th Boxing Day or Christmas II then 27th-30th to recover! A solid week of family fun!

There was always a cloud over Christmas when I was younger, being bullied by my cousins! Now it is the highlight of my year as we all crack jokes about how we used to avoid the Queens speech by cramming into uncles room [the smallest in the house], how Lauren, Naheela and I used to always get matching presents....as did our mothers [matching novelty toilet seats anyone?! no-one knows where Nan found them], how Nehemiah used to pile his food up on his plate and somehow still finish it while we all struggled. We are no longer the children of the family and this year was when I could see the change.

We found ourselves telling Lanai and Sariah off for rummaging around the Christmas tree for presents only to laugh at how Nan used to lock the front room to keep us out, laughing at Curtis waiting to eat until Christopher and Tamara came; reminiscent of Christmas dinner shifts at Nan’s house! I love when my family all get together as it always results in the joys of family banter, Granddad was on top form as always fuelled by Family Fortunes and watching us play Sonic and Mario Olympics on the Wii! That evening we went to our other aunts house where yet another branch of the family were.....this time the front room entertained a battle of the sexes on the Wii fit; [for the record the girls massacred the boys!] Different people but still the family banter continued till the early hours [my stomach hurts from laughing so hard!].

IT IS SNOWING...THAT IS ALL

I've got a feeling! Whooooooo! This weekend's going to be a good one!
Ok bad joke, but I didn't care in the car! Surrounded by some of the people I love, I was on top of the world. Yes there are stresses that I cannot escape but in the larger scale of things how significant are they really!? A few...ok alot of us went to watch Where the Wild Things Are on Friday. A Spike Jonez film based on the much loved childrens book. I can't hide how excited I was for this film to be released. The soundtrack by Karen O and the Kids, fitted perfectly with the beautifuly shot film. I was stirred to emotion at more than one point and found pondering on points raised long after the film had finished.  Bearing in mind Where the Wild Things Are is a childrens book there were alot of moments that I was captured by. One line, I think was said by Ira to Max was "Can you take away the saddness?" Max said yes....the answer was No! Of course a 10 year old boy cannot take away the saddness experienced by Ira and the rest of the wild things, it's something that they had to overcome on their own. We can't expect other people to improve our current preddicaments, we are where we are because of our actions, thoughts and deeds, only we can improve the situtions that we have put ourselves in. As Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said "Come what may, and Love it". While we are here we are tried in many different ways, sometimes it may seem like there is no way out, accept the situation for what it is, it will pass and you will most likely come out stronger than befor. Don't constantly try and blame others for trial you are experiencing, accept the fact that some of these trials are due to choices you have made, none of us re entirely blameless. As the sun sets on yet another day, I'm greatful for so much. I'm glad that recently I have managed to come to certain conclusions and realisations pertaining to thoughts that had been on my mind for quite a while and I feel really good about things.

I've missed being me the past two months, I am going to miss university, I know I have already stressed this point but I'm looking forward to reconnecting with the other side of me. All the books that have gone unread, songs that have gone unsung and comments that have gone unsaid are all waiting to come out and I can't wait. I wan't to be forever young, I refuse to become bogged down with the strains of daily life, I will relish every moment, and look for the good within in it! There is opposition in everything, I'm focussing on the good!

Today was a Thursday ... it technically still is a Thursday! Since the start of this term I have had a shocking work ethic, to make up for this lagging work ethic I have a theory... nothing good happens on days that begin with a "T".....it is therfore quite convienient that I am only in classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I met up with a friend from my course in our hour brek to discuss our plans for the future and the happenings in our friends lives. It was nice to sit and talk to Lottie as I have missed her calming effect on me. It does not seem like I have already endured two years of accademic criticism at the hands of the faculty of social sciences at Manchester University, but soon my time as an undergraduate will draw to an end and I will have my degree! it will not show my true potential because rather than applying myself in the ways that I, and everyone around me knows I can, I instead procrastinate and panic. As much as I do not want to be this person I cannot help it. As much as I try to apply myself I inevitabley become distracted with everything and anything around me, secluding my self from distractions doesn't help as then I just end up deep in thought pondering on some abstract point that has no relevnce. Today I noticed how many people in my lectures were left handed and what a peculiar thing writing is, from holding a pen, to the movements of said pen to finally the resultant handwriting which are just shapes on a piece of paper that through our common knowledge we all understand and hold meaning to the varied collections of shapes. Today I paid attention in my classes and I still had time for that! I love the English language and all of it's complexities, strange quirks and patterns.

I'm going to miss being at University, sounds strange I know; but I love the accademic aspects, reading, writting[however flawed my essays may be], discussing and the rest of it! I love the feeling after a day of lectures...clouded by the tiredness, the sense of achievement, a hapiness at having learnt something new, at understanding a new theory and how it applies. I can continue my love for political philosophy after leaving university but I won't be surrounded with classrooms and theatres of people who have the same interests and I know have read the same things as I have. I will miss that. Here's to higher education and all of the perks! I'm going to relish my last semester, as postgraduate study seems to be a far cry from undergraduate in oh so many ways!

After spending the last two months panicing about the strains of a deadline looming each week, the time has come where I now have my last essay due on Monday. Seven deadlines in Six weeks has been anything but fun but I've surprised myself in my capablity to meet these deadlines; althouh I have taken my sanity to the brink and back far too often; I am still here. I have Rawls and Nozick seeping out of my pores, Beitz under my nails and after three atempts I still can't wash the Walzer out of my hair. I am no longer the free thinking person I was and instead all that flows through the cavernous void that is my head are the theories and opinions of Political Theorists that I have the joy of studying.

I realised the other day that I couldn't recall the last time that I'd read a book for pleasure or sat down and just watched a film! I have no time for the things that I love. I love uni but I refuse to let it become all that I am. I have made a point of picking up the guitar daily ....again only when there are not others around [but that's how I like it], reading books that I want to read, but have no link to my essays even if I end up citing them in essays on corruption anyway, taking pictures of people and places because it makes me smile, spending time with people I want to because I can't imagine not spending time with them and singing because I find it more fulfilling than talking.

Rather than posting yet another video of a song that I love right now, instead, a passage from "An Essay on Man" by Alexander Pope which I used to carry in my purse...

          "Cease then, nor order imperfection name:

The other week I had the misfortune of seeing one of my close friends quite upset because of something she had done. In the grand scheme of things it was nothing but at that time she felt as if her world was falling apart. I had nothing to say I had not been in the situation she was in, I tried to empathyse, I tried to relate her predicament to ones I had been in, but they all fell short. I tried to get her to calm down, I made her lie down and I made her stop talking [ I find that talking about bad situations makes you dwell on them and also blow them out of proportion....another reason why I don't speak] this didn't work as I could tell she was thinking about it! I had the ingenious idea of boring her to death... yes I cracked out my journal! It states in my journal after I read through once, that I think it probably the most uninteresting piece of extended writting on this earth and that says something! She thought the exact opposite. I'd forgotten how many little things I had written in there, reading them back to her, mocking myself, we were both laughing at some of the stuff I had written. Soon we were joined by another friend who didn't know why the other was upset but wanted to join in on the journal reading.

I used to be petrified about what would happen if someone who I didn't want reading my journal found it and did just that. I'd thought about tearing some pages out, I will not! Everything scrawled on those pages are things that I thought, felt and experienced; pretending they never happened would be cheating myself of memories along with my friends of the humor that flows through those pages of my life.


This is a formal retraction of the comment in my journal describing it as the most boring piece of writing ever! I may not find reading my the goings on in my life a few months after they've happened interesting but others do and in all fairness my journal isn't for me! In a few years I might look back on them and laugh, but right now my friends can look at them and draw closer to me. Laughing at how I wrote in my journal took her mind off what was going on with her and if my journal achieves nothing else....it did some good for her.

Despite what the calendar may tell you it is definately Winter right now which upsets me somewhat. The trees are bare and all of the red and orange leaves that covered them up till last week are now rotting on the floor. In the morning I peer out of my bedroom window watching as people scrape the ice off their cars and I am glad that I do not drive. I then remind myself that their iced over car has heating unlike my walk to uni where I will freeze to the point that my ears ache [which is my least favourite feeling ever!] I also have not found a pair of boots that I like yet meaning that I never have full feeling in my feet. [this is my second least favourite feeling ever!]

Today I am listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Apples in Stereo! Today is a good day. I am reading about torture....I guess today could be better! I danced in the library for at least 20 minutes with Lisa and Dan looking at me like I was a fool but today I didn't care! I'm bored with workshop logs and essays and the rest of it! After laughing at me dancing Dan is now playing the air drums with the same amount of vigour as animal from the muppets! Welcome to John Rylands!

I realised today that I over think things... when I say things I mean everything! I'm going to stop, I think alot and don't really talk all that much but sometimes I just have nothing to say. Ask me a question face to face and I'll probably find one hundred things to look at befor I make eye contact again just to say "I don't know" with a flippant shrug of the shoulders. Ask me the same question by email or in a letter and I'll write reams for you. I think this is due to the detatchment of the situation. When someone is there you can see their reaction and you know when they're bored of what you're saying, or if they don't understand what you're saying or my favourite, when they were just trying to make polite conversation! In an email or letter they can choose when they stop reading or, but most likely not if they actually care about what you said, and dont understand, they can just ask you to explain the point. I think the art or writing has been lost somewhat and this upsets me. I miss writting long letters to my friends whose house I could walk to. There was no reason for these letters, everything in them could have just been said face to face but I enjoyed recieving post and so did she. I still hve these letters in a box at home andsometimes I like to read over them and laugh at how we were caught up in everything.

My aim this week: to make more small talk

Days like today I can't get out of bed no matter how hard I try! SO I resort to songs like the one below



This song would be on the soundtrack to the film of my life!

"Ye are the light of the world.
A city that is set on an hill cannot
be hid.

Neither do men light a candle,
and put it under a bushel, but on a
candlestick; and it giveth light unto
all that are in the house.

Let your light so shine before
men, that they may see your good
works, and glorify your Father
which is in heaven."

- Matthew 5 : 14-16