Introducing Grand-Dad to Photobooth

I'd like to live here

(mainly mission bay, mission district, south market...maybe the noe valley...not like I've thought about it much)

maybe here



donations welcome

images from HERE

1) The tags for the post below read Found, Future, Job! I only just realised but it must have been an omen as this Summer I will indeed be working for THE CHALLENGE! I honestly don't think anyone can fully comprehend how excited I am! On top of that I still have the possibility of maybe doing two sessions of wither the challenge or two sessions of EFY ......or I might just do one of each; either way this Summer is going to be HECTIC! add into the mix that I'm on the committee to organise a conference for up to 800 people between 18 and 30 and Im starting to question what on Earth I was thinking!

2) I turn 23 in less than a month! I cannot decide on a pie party, a pimp that snack party or a panther party....or if in all fairness I just want to go and get food with people that I love.....the last one is kind of winning!

3) Yesterday I had SUCH a lovely day! One of my best friends sisters has been living roughly twenty minutes WALK away from where I live during her first year of university, now that the school year is coming to a close I actually met up with her and spent some time just chatting! We went to the farm.....(where I take everyone) and then we went to Manton's....(where I take everyone else) it was so fun and we've vowed to do it again! (I didn't take any pictures as the whole time at the farm we were being harassed by crazy dogs and terrorised by greedy geese! just a normal day down at the farm!)

4) Scotty and Aaron are coming down on Thursday! from Scotland! Ahhhh I actually can't wait...although I haven't got a clue what we're going to do!

5) A charity that I volunteered with when I was at school emailed me the other day about an informal interview for a role I'd applied for! OH HAPPY DAY [let us also not forget that this charity share an office with THE CHALLENGE....I don't know why I insist on always typing it in CAPITALS] so Dharshna is chatting away and asks me if I have any questions..... I tell her no...as I've done it before...she tells me I don't need to come in on Thursday and she'll just send me a CRB form in the post! I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!

I didn't get that job but since then I've applied for many jobs that seem to be tailor made for me which surely mens I just have to wait and eventually I'll get one right!?.....

I had an interview this past weekend for an amazing opportunity but they've interviewed 300 peopel for 75 places and most of the other people that they interviewed were qualified teachers....we'll see. It's an AMAZING scheme and I'd emplore anyone finishing year 11 at school to get involved in THE CHALLENGE without even a slight hesitation.

On a slightly different note.....I need THESE in my life

I might just be applying for the job of my dreams!

I went to to the Princes trust website to apply for a grant so I could start my own business!(long story) but I thought I'd click on vacancies and there it was!!! I now have an 11 page application pack to fill in before the end of the day! STRESSSSS!!!

prayers, bribes and cake are all welcome!

thanks!

I have changed and I think to a degree for the worse!

Elements of my character that I was so happy to have held on to, and had not been tainted by modern society have slowly and subtly been worn away by others and their cynicism

I've been a bad friend of late. I've been wrapped up in small menial things and I haven't been there for the people who mean the most to me!

Slapped wrist...all is back to normal!

Ok so even after multiple personal resolves to improve my writing on my blog and also in my journal yet again I am my own victim of my personal challenges. It makes me wonder why I am always so adamant about setting my self personal challenges when I keep in mind my awful record of actually sticking to them!? I’m pretty sure that somewhere in a half completed journal somewhere there is no doubt a list and a date of challenges that I had recently undertaken. I say this because I can remember writing such a list while in a dizzy haze of self belief…oh the folly of my youth…I say that as if it was five years ago and I was still in school…oh how I wish! The truth is that this list was most likely written but six months ago. This sad realisation makes me want to curl up with the closest form of chocolate under an oversized duvet with something bread based….maybe a pizza….definitely a pizza…with all the cheese (I’m not sure if it’s the bread or the cheeses that I’m craving more while I wallow in pity!?....my life is quite a depressing state of affairs when it’s all written down)

I’m currently on a train heading to my Dads for the next week ….me and my amazing planning skills managed to overlook the fact that this trip includes mothers day 2011 and I am actually leaving my mom alone for this holiday that celebrates motherhood…..I’m an idiot!

ANYHOW!!! Less of the dull non events of my present existence…..(today has been ridiculous for many reasons all too boring to warrant documenting here) instead, the true reason why I am breaking my silence of electronic drivel is due to an epiphany ….ok maybe epiphany is a bit extreme as it was not a sudden realisation but more a gradual realisation over a week…or two…maybe even three (I’m pretty slow on the uptake)

I know that I quite often rabbit on about my friends and how much…(I’m on the phone to Libs helping her choose between a sherbet fountain and a dib dab![always happy to help]) they mean to me but it was only over the past few weeks I had truly come to understand how much they actually meant to me. Three years at university studying and living with people who in hindsight I hardly knew were three amazing years; as they drew to a close I started to realise how much I was going to miss them and delayed moving to Birmingham for another two months with excuse after excuse. I moved back to Birmingham….only to move out again two weeks later for 6 months into the most amazing cottage ever. It could have been the biggest mistake ever, Hannah and Libs had only met once or twice before we moved in and looking back on it I didn’t know Hannah all that well either….and I’d been friends with Libs for just under a year…..it sounds crazy ….if anyone else told me they were doing what we did I’d think they were insane. For the first few months we didn’t have a weekend alone; EVERY WEEKEND we had someone staying or we were somewhere else our weird gypsy family started to take shape; people from all over the country on occasion spending a few days in the cottage of love. As the cottage came to a close we managed to look back on our six months there and really appreciate it. I finally bit the bullet and moved home.

Being home now for a month-ish I can truly appreciate how much having friends around has really helped me over the past few years. There are certain things that aren’t for the blog……. And they’re kept in my journal (it’s a fine line) but I honestly don’t know where I’d have ended up if it wasn’t for a select few people in my life. It seems crazy as now I don’t even know where I’d be without them. I might live an hour and a half train ride from some, or an 11 hour flight from some, I may have known them for 6 months or for 11 years but those friendships are priceless.

The past weekend I was spending some time with some new friends….. oh my goodness…all I ended up doing was wishing that I was at home or just anywhere other than where I was. It sounds bad but that weekend I cam to truly appreciate the friendships I have with the people who I can whole heartedly call my friends. They’re honest to the point of brutality, opinionated, stubborn, confident but not arrogant, ‘quirky’, slightly out there and in the nicest way they don’t really care what you think about them. These are the people I choose to have around me and these are the people that I miss seeing on a daily or weekly basis. Some things deserve to be documented and if no one else is going to do it I guess then I should take it upon myself.

High Wycombe is a social abyss so even though this is quite obviously yet another resolve to write more……there wont be anything for about a week!!

I say that but who knows what this week will bring!

Who knows what the future will bring as a whole but I know that with friends like mine I’ll be fine!

On Thursday I'm heading down to High Wycombe, the land where I was born ....where nothing really happens...EVER!

This weekend my Dad, Mr A is getting married for the third time to a lady he's been with for twenty years!
I'm really excited, and not just for the excuse of a Hadley knees up (can't actually wait!) but to see then actually declare their love for each other as usually they're so dead pan when it come to emotions! She's been apart of my life as much as either of my parents and I know at times Dad's felt thatI liked her more than him! I'm so excited for them to make it official ....she still wont let me call her mom HA! People always get confused when I try and explain that one of my grandparents have died leaving me with five but I honestly love our family with all of its quirks!

Third time lucky...ABOUT TIME !

Tonight i went to see inception with my mom!

before which we went to Nando's

It was the best night I've had in ages

we're definitely going on a second date!

My blog is turning into bogs that I dislike....just a collection of things that I've found on the internet!
RECTIFIED!...well it'll still include random things I've found on the intraweb butI'm back to writing!

lack of attention being paid to the blog....and I can't even think of a reason. I have all of the time in the world! I've been dedicating more time to my written journal! I love that book taking a couple of minutes out here and there is such a small ask but when read back all together it is so powerful! I should write in it more than I do!

I have been thinking about the passing of time recently and the joys of pasts present and possible futures! I guess it's a normal thing to think about after you graduate! This isn't just a summer for me.....this is life! Lectures don't start in September, this is my life! job hunting, cake baking, letter writing! As the sun sets n yet another chapter of my life all I can do as I look back is be greatful! Outcomes may not be what we expect when we first start a journey but we must enjoy the journey all the same! The outcome although maybe not what we desire is most likely what we need or deserve; appreciate it because unlike your wants this result is yours! claim it!

Thing get you down, we are tried at all times and in all things even when things are going well complacency to me is one of the scariest things! I hope I don't get complacent  in any area of my life; I will always try to renew, refresh and improve. Past conquests are just there to show you what you could achieve at that moment in time, learn from it and move forward, achieve more! We all have an infinite potential only limited by ourselves I refuse to limit myself!

I am grateful for all of my trials and hardships in my past, I don't regret my choices, I don't hold grudges, I learn from my experiences and move on strengthened from the episode. All is well! in the grand scheme of things this is but a short time! The past is the past, it has been and has been dealt with it does not bare reference for my future; nothing there is big enough that it holds weight on my future decisions. Every day is a new start, everyday I choose to improve!

So...

I have a whole book of letters written To whom they may concern!

Some are to actual people some to groups, some to people I don't even know but have just seen either on the street, in the library or in a shop, some to people still around, some to people passed on. I read through some of them the other day and it just made me smile hence why I started to share them...I will post a few more...or maybe many more; depending on how my mood takes me.

My parents are my best friends even when we don't get on or they start on their overly repetitive stories all I can do is laugh at them and with them, recently more so with them especially as I'm noticing all of the similar characteristic that we share. Dads aspirations for me that I just dismiss because it's Dad...now as we spend more time together are more in line with what I would actually like to do, rather than what he would like to tell people I do!

I am ready for university to be finished but that is definitely not where my education will finish. I have books to read, languages to learn, places to visit, people to meet, food to taste and a whole host of other opportunities that will be placed in my path! With new experiences come new acquaintances, moving away from what I have known for the past three years will also mean inevitably loosing touch with people who are present in my life right now. That process has already started to happen as my revision causes me to become a recluse my associations with people are not as strong as they once were and I know that this is my fault but I guess eventually it will make it easier for me to slip away come July; maybe then I'll be bothered about keeping in touch!

"What I love most about rivers is, 

You can't step in the same river twice,

The water's always changing, always flowing.

But people, I guess, can't live like that

To be safe, we loose our chance of ever knowing

What's around the river bend

Waiting just around the river bend..."

The past few weekends have come with many a realisation for me. I've learnt a bit, I've realised a lot, and I've come to accept a fair few things that I guess I always knew. This weekend really topped it off, I had my patriarchal blessing which was more than I could ever have imagined! Dumb-struck doesn't even come close to how I was feeling afterwards. I'd been scared about what might be said in it for the past three years; now I have it, I realise it's full of things I'd already known, knew were important and had been striving to do. It contained some things other people had said to me and I'd been unwilling to accept, but they were right all along; now I look back it seems quite apparent! The same evening I attended a CES broadcast which felt like I was sat in a room with Elder Rasband on my own...needless to say this weekend has been rather intense but I wouldn't change it for the world!

 I have a work to do, I always thought I did, now I know I do.

Opportunity is behind every door when we are open to new ideas!

I have four options for after uni three of which include foreign countries ...scary yes but I'm opting for exciting! who knows what'll happen...but it doesn't look like I'll be staying still for too long!

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and we deffinately have no reason to fear our future!

I was speaking to an old friend and reading some old emails when we ended up in one of those chats that get you thinking. The outcome of the talk was this...I really do not like manipulative people! I've had far too many encounters with people who fit quite snuggly under this umbrella shooting their fiery darts from under their cover!

Stop trying to mold me into something I'm not, into something you'd prefer, into something you wish I was!

I am me, flaws and all! I know I'm flawed, there are things I know that I need to work on! I can think of enough things for me to be working on, not to need someone to list off all the things that they may, or may not like about me for the purpose of me changing to please them! It's a pretty selfish outlook which ever way you look at it! If you have a problem with someone then that is where the problem lies...with you!

This is not a rant!...nor is it a disclaimer... but while talking I realised how often in the past people have felt it their place to tell me where I am going wrong and all of the places in which I can improve. I've also sat by and watched my friends question their own self worth because of something that someone has said to them, taking no though of the implications. Maybe other people need to stop being so judgement alnd self righteous. We all need to take an inward look and see if we are the best we can be befor we even think about telling someone else how they should be. Where do peoepl get off thinking that is their right?

There are things that I am working on changing because I feel that I would be a better person if I do so, that change is for me not because someone else thinks I should! If I change things that I do, or how I conduct myself just because someone else has told me to, then all I am doing is conforming to ther image of what I should be. I'm quite happy with myself the way I am and in a world of nearly seven billion I think I'll manage just fine ignoring the critics! If you spend your life trying to change with the purpose of pleasing others in mind, when are you going to stop and be yourself and just get on and live your life... you've got to start sometime! Wether in friendship circles, relationships or even family groups changing to please another by fitting to the mold they have set just restricts you from fulfilling your full potential and being all you could be. Why be with someone if you want them to change who they are? why claim to be someone's friend if you only tolerate them  while they aren't as you wish?

...as the title states; it's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die...you're poisoning yourself while trying to change someone else; it's never going to have the desired effect and you end up doing more damage than good!

I am me! I am not someone's ball of clay to be molded as they see fit! take me as I am...

...or don't ...it's as simple as that!





Here's to living in a flawed reality where everyone is themselves and not some weird twisted Alice in Wonderland type place...please?!

I've had a fair few conversations with people over the last week that have had me thinking  (shock horror). There are two things that I've not been able to get out of my head. I've had an impression since I was younger...much younger as in befor my sixteenth birthday that I would end up in Asia when I was older. I don't know in what capacity but since my mid teens the feeling has never gone away. I was there this Summer in a country I never imagined I would ever travel to, doing something that I'd never thought about until three months befor I was in the country. I was in Nepal teaching monks for four weeks and I had an amazing time, I grew so much and learnt so much about myself, I'm glad I went through with it. I still have the feeling that I'm meant to do something in Asia and I don't know what. One of my options for after university is Teaching in Thailand for a year. It sounds like another form of escapism just avoiding getting on with life, but it's anything but. If I did go I'd be teaching daily, in a foreign country, without my usual support system. It would also be a trial for me to see if I could handle being an actual teacher, I know that teaching in English schools would be nothing like teaching in Asia but I would be doing much of the same things; lesson plans, marking blah blah blah. If I decided it was the right thing for me to do in England it would only strengthen my application for  pgce. There is also the fact that I feel like I've been in Education forever, Teaching in Thailand wouldn't be a complete cut from that but it would be something different which is what I think I need. If I got a job and planned on doing a pgce later there is a strong chance that I wouldn't do a pgce because I'd become to used to working the 9-5.

I've spoken with some dear friends about my thoughts and as much as I tried to sell the prospect of doing a pgce, they've all told me that out of my options, going to Thailand is the one that sounds most like what I should be doing. I spoke to one friend about it ... her suggestion was that maybe I was going to end up serving a mission in the East... in which case I'm a little prepared and it wouldn't be the huge culture shock that I experienced when I first landed in Nepal. We decided I'd either end up serving somewhere in Asia or in London South  Mandarin Speaking....I'm thinking the latter but that's  fair few years away.

On top of me having my near and dear telling me to jet off to Thailand for a year I was asked what I thought about a quote which I cannot remember word for word, but it's main jist was that we should not become too hung up on trying to blaze our own trail and instead deal with the challenges that life throws at us as and when they occur! One of my favourite quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson goes as follows

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

 Needless to say I've been thinking bout the two seeing if there is any way that they can work together. The Emerson quote I've always taken more as a not to be afraid of the unknown, the classic just because it is doesn't mean it's right. Sometimes change is needed even if it's only you who thinks so. The thought of trail blazing to me sounds tiring and anyhow if you're constantly trying to blaze your own trail eventually you'll burn out. My feelings about the East isn't me trail blazing.... I don't think. I'm following a prompting that I've had with me for the last five or more years. It's a prompting that I need to satisfy as otherwise I'll never be able to settle in one place.