As Summer somehow managed to consume another few months and I fail at striking the balance with too much to write and no where near enough and the time restraints that come with both of these options. Eurgh rather than even pretending like I'm going to complain let me get it out there......I had one of the most amazing Summers EVER! I was pulled in every direction possible and although at times I may have moaned or thought that I'd taken too much on.. I wouldn't have it any other way.....I can say that in hindsight but at the time I may have ...and most likely did feel VERY differently! I don't even know at what point my Summer of no sleep started but it must have been after my birthday ...this year I turned 23...I couldn't tell you what I did for it but I'm sure I did something pretty low key this year and loved it. Near the end of june started my first "wave" with my job for Summer 2011 A Senior Mentor with The Challenge. I could wax lyrical for a paragraph or ten about the experiences I had, people I met and fear I overcame but I'm sure most people have heard enough about that from me chewing their ears off. let me just say if you have a spare three or four weeks next summer and enjoy working with young people then GET INVOLVED! Rock- climbing, abseiling, raft building, sailing, ghyl scrambling, caving, two day hike, camping on top of mountains in stone huts....I kid thee not!

After the joy that was Summer came a trip to Spain for all of Autumn with my dad because work was making me wish ill things to nice people!.....(saying i was in Spain for all of Autumn does not mean I was there for three months. I live in england and therefor my favourite season.....lasted all of November and then it was Winter) Spain was .....better than being at work! We'll leave that there.

Winter - work, no time, German market, London for New Years and a new love of exercise! all in all it's been ok it's now 2010 ...... I started writing this blog post in 2011 but didnt finish it. I make no resolve to post on here more often because I know that I wont; I do promise however that I wont forget to come back every once in a while!

Ok so even after multiple personal resolves to improve my writing on my blog and also in my journal yet again I am my own victim of my personal challenges. It makes me wonder why I am always so adamant about setting my self personal challenges when I keep in mind my awful record of actually sticking to them!? I’m pretty sure that somewhere in a half completed journal somewhere there is no doubt a list and a date of challenges that I had recently undertaken. I say this because I can remember writing such a list while in a dizzy haze of self belief…oh the folly of my youth…I say that as if it was five years ago and I was still in school…oh how I wish! The truth is that this list was most likely written but six months ago. This sad realisation makes me want to curl up with the closest form of chocolate under an oversized duvet with something bread based….maybe a pizza….definitely a pizza…with all the cheese (I’m not sure if it’s the bread or the cheeses that I’m craving more while I wallow in pity!?....my life is quite a depressing state of affairs when it’s all written down)

I’m currently on a train heading to my Dads for the next week ….me and my amazing planning skills managed to overlook the fact that this trip includes mothers day 2011 and I am actually leaving my mom alone for this holiday that celebrates motherhood…..I’m an idiot!

ANYHOW!!! Less of the dull non events of my present existence…..(today has been ridiculous for many reasons all too boring to warrant documenting here) instead, the true reason why I am breaking my silence of electronic drivel is due to an epiphany ….ok maybe epiphany is a bit extreme as it was not a sudden realisation but more a gradual realisation over a week…or two…maybe even three (I’m pretty slow on the uptake)

I know that I quite often rabbit on about my friends and how much…(I’m on the phone to Libs helping her choose between a sherbet fountain and a dib dab![always happy to help]) they mean to me but it was only over the past few weeks I had truly come to understand how much they actually meant to me. Three years at university studying and living with people who in hindsight I hardly knew were three amazing years; as they drew to a close I started to realise how much I was going to miss them and delayed moving to Birmingham for another two months with excuse after excuse. I moved back to Birmingham….only to move out again two weeks later for 6 months into the most amazing cottage ever. It could have been the biggest mistake ever, Hannah and Libs had only met once or twice before we moved in and looking back on it I didn’t know Hannah all that well either….and I’d been friends with Libs for just under a year…..it sounds crazy ….if anyone else told me they were doing what we did I’d think they were insane. For the first few months we didn’t have a weekend alone; EVERY WEEKEND we had someone staying or we were somewhere else our weird gypsy family started to take shape; people from all over the country on occasion spending a few days in the cottage of love. As the cottage came to a close we managed to look back on our six months there and really appreciate it. I finally bit the bullet and moved home.

Being home now for a month-ish I can truly appreciate how much having friends around has really helped me over the past few years. There are certain things that aren’t for the blog……. And they’re kept in my journal (it’s a fine line) but I honestly don’t know where I’d have ended up if it wasn’t for a select few people in my life. It seems crazy as now I don’t even know where I’d be without them. I might live an hour and a half train ride from some, or an 11 hour flight from some, I may have known them for 6 months or for 11 years but those friendships are priceless.

The past weekend I was spending some time with some new friends….. oh my goodness…all I ended up doing was wishing that I was at home or just anywhere other than where I was. It sounds bad but that weekend I cam to truly appreciate the friendships I have with the people who I can whole heartedly call my friends. They’re honest to the point of brutality, opinionated, stubborn, confident but not arrogant, ‘quirky’, slightly out there and in the nicest way they don’t really care what you think about them. These are the people I choose to have around me and these are the people that I miss seeing on a daily or weekly basis. Some things deserve to be documented and if no one else is going to do it I guess then I should take it upon myself.

High Wycombe is a social abyss so even though this is quite obviously yet another resolve to write more……there wont be anything for about a week!!

I say that but who knows what this week will bring!

Who knows what the future will bring as a whole but I know that with friends like mine I’ll be fine!

It's Summer again...well it's now nearing the end of said season, and as always I've been carried away with everything.  So much has happened there's no point trying to have a catch up because I'd forget most of the things that have happened.

Notable things that come to mind
- degree finished
- EFY - success
- Back in Birmingham
- Best friend married off
- Eagerly awaiting Talisa's bump to be born

and today .... I move into a hilariously cute cottage with two lovely ladies!

The cottage has no internet right now so I could say that I intend to update this blog regularly but I can't promise anything.

JUMP!





The images below are from a series called JUMP by the Photographer Philippe Halsman. Halsman was commissioned to take pictures for high end magazines  and after the formal shoot would ask his subjects to jump giving them no other direction than that!along with the movement in the pictures I really like the expressions on peoples faces; the childlike glee in Hepburn and Monroe a contrast to the demure and sultry image that was often portrayed of them by the media! Nixon however looks calm as ever and appears to be levitating more than jumping; but still such a different side to him rather than the scowling statesman that most people saw. Philippe Halsman when asked about his Jumpology series said: “When you ask a person to jump, his attention is mostly directed toward the act of jumping, and the mask falls, so that the real person appears. How hilarious do the Windsors look! Who said the royal family don't have a sense of humour!

My blog is turning into bogs that I dislike....just a collection of things that I've found on the internet!
RECTIFIED!...well it'll still include random things I've found on the intraweb butI'm back to writing!

lack of attention being paid to the blog....and I can't even think of a reason. I have all of the time in the world! I've been dedicating more time to my written journal! I love that book taking a couple of minutes out here and there is such a small ask but when read back all together it is so powerful! I should write in it more than I do!

I have been thinking about the passing of time recently and the joys of pasts present and possible futures! I guess it's a normal thing to think about after you graduate! This isn't just a summer for me.....this is life! Lectures don't start in September, this is my life! job hunting, cake baking, letter writing! As the sun sets n yet another chapter of my life all I can do as I look back is be greatful! Outcomes may not be what we expect when we first start a journey but we must enjoy the journey all the same! The outcome although maybe not what we desire is most likely what we need or deserve; appreciate it because unlike your wants this result is yours! claim it!

Thing get you down, we are tried at all times and in all things even when things are going well complacency to me is one of the scariest things! I hope I don't get complacent  in any area of my life; I will always try to renew, refresh and improve. Past conquests are just there to show you what you could achieve at that moment in time, learn from it and move forward, achieve more! We all have an infinite potential only limited by ourselves I refuse to limit myself!

I am grateful for all of my trials and hardships in my past, I don't regret my choices, I don't hold grudges, I learn from my experiences and move on strengthened from the episode. All is well! in the grand scheme of things this is but a short time! The past is the past, it has been and has been dealt with it does not bare reference for my future; nothing there is big enough that it holds weight on my future decisions. Every day is a new start, everyday I choose to improve!

So...

Except the Lord build the house, 
their labour is but lost, their labour is but lost that build it;
Except the Lord keep the city, 
The watchman... waketh but in vain.

It is but lost labour that ye haste to rise up early,
And so late take rest, so late take rest,
And eat the bread of carefulness.
For so he giveth his beloved sleep.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
A good understanding have all they that do thereafter
The praise of it endureth forever.
Repeat last section with gusto as enforced by Mr Parry!


There were many occasions at school where I felt the whole thing pointless and the teachers insane but as the ordeal continued i grew to love it and after being there for a year longer than most I was truly saddened to leave. I was all for change but that school was and is a part of me! It has made me into the person that I am today, From the age of 11-19 every one has a lot of experiences and changes in different ways; it sets the precedent for years to come. I will always look back on those days fondly same as any other period in my life but KEHS has a special place in my heart and always will! From lessons learnt to the people that I met KEHS played a huge role in laying the foundation of who I am today; take that as you will!

"I didn't know people still rowed"
          "Of course I knew rowing existed just not as a competitive sport"

"WoW Burma that's amazing...how's she going to commute?"
         "No not Burma ...Birmingham"

"Don't eat the frog!"

"Did you grow up in the country?"
         "Yeah! Once I missed my stop when I was on the train ..."

I wanted to be a wallpaper designer! (at least it's not something weird like a slug *cough*)

Someone out there must have that job and I wanted it to be me. I longed to walk into someones house and be able to say they've got my work on their walls!

In the last week I have found two websites with the most AMAZING...and equally overpriced wallpaper EVER! and so seven years on, as my degree comes to a close I think that maybe I'll see if I can crack out an art foundation and become a wallpaper designer! First step is to find all of my old art work and also to start drawing again!

I think from this you can tell how my revision is going!

Even the weird half spring you get in England!

I love the smells, the sights, the weather (even the rain...I actually love rain!), The food, the chirpy disposition that creeps up over everyone in preparation for Summer, I love the new starts, buds blooming meaning that flowers are on their way! There isn't a season I don't like but this morning I fell in love with Spring! I'm probably least fond of Summer...weird right!

Cherry blossom reminds me of being in primary school (Cherry Orchard J & I) because there was a  row of cherry trees and the best time of year was when they were in full blossom! We'd spend every lunch time playing under them or sometimes just sitting! I wish I had time to sit now!

The past few weekends have come with many a realisation for me. I've learnt a bit, I've realised a lot, and I've come to accept a fair few things that I guess I always knew. This weekend really topped it off, I had my patriarchal blessing which was more than I could ever have imagined! Dumb-struck doesn't even come close to how I was feeling afterwards. I'd been scared about what might be said in it for the past three years; now I have it, I realise it's full of things I'd already known, knew were important and had been striving to do. It contained some things other people had said to me and I'd been unwilling to accept, but they were right all along; now I look back it seems quite apparent! The same evening I attended a CES broadcast which felt like I was sat in a room with Elder Rasband on my own...needless to say this weekend has been rather intense but I wouldn't change it for the world!

 I have a work to do, I always thought I did, now I know I do.

A week of posting everyday followed by an intense silence here...and why....essay deadlines looming yet again!

Sometimes I get stressed with work and what not and everything get's out of perspective causing me to beat myself up about how I have no life ....mainly because I just focus on the task in hand and my 12 hour library shifts...ooh yeah! 12 hours in the library reading and writing about the residual evidence of colonisation evident in the birth practices in former Zaire now known as DRC...only to come home and continue writing my essay...(fun... no?)

So to relax I went on to the old faithful that is YouTube and watched some videos...one of which was this...




I DID THAT!!!!.. 


The start of the video that I was on was corrupted so i couldn't buy the video of my swing but I did get the t-shirt! Lisa videoed the first three seconds or so of my jump which I find hilarious....I'll upload it soon, but for now I will watch Heleen do her's knowing that I've jumped off that same bridge!...crazy huh?!

"You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met..."

The lyrics to the opening verse of Regina Spektos Samson are beautiful! There are many other words that could be used to describe them, but I think beautiful sums up exactly how I feel about them! I still remeber the first time I heard this song and how it simply made me stop and listen.

This past month I have had this song doing laps of my head, and when I thought it was going...I found myself sat around a piano singing it! Rather than have a post dedicated to the feelings that Ms Spektor causes to stir inside me when I listen to her music I thought I would instead share my tohughts on a certain part of the first verse.

I loved you first...it seems simple enough; but then you start to think bout the value of this statement and if it has any at all. How can one be certain that they are the first, what are you first to? what time scale are you working towards? What's so good about first? First has no measure when it comes to love. Also there is no measure of love, the whole concept is subjective. Life is not a race in the strictest sense. Things do not always follow an order, and even when there is order in things chaos may still ensue.

I enjoy the chaotic elements in life and the excitement hidden in not knowing what may come next. First means minimal in realists terms. Achieving your goal first, or quickest may seem like the completion of one's goal but the true test starts in maintaining all those things that you have to do to achieve your goal and staying on top of the game. Being first just means you have longer to work at something.

...as Imogen Heap sings...There is beauty in the breakdown...and I'm a good fan of living through the process and not getting cause up in the end. What's the point in the journey if you don't enjoy the ride!?

Regina can be found hiding here

I was speaking to an old friend and reading some old emails when we ended up in one of those chats that get you thinking. The outcome of the talk was this...I really do not like manipulative people! I've had far too many encounters with people who fit quite snuggly under this umbrella shooting their fiery darts from under their cover!

Stop trying to mold me into something I'm not, into something you'd prefer, into something you wish I was!

I am me, flaws and all! I know I'm flawed, there are things I know that I need to work on! I can think of enough things for me to be working on, not to need someone to list off all the things that they may, or may not like about me for the purpose of me changing to please them! It's a pretty selfish outlook which ever way you look at it! If you have a problem with someone then that is where the problem lies...with you!

This is not a rant!...nor is it a disclaimer... but while talking I realised how often in the past people have felt it their place to tell me where I am going wrong and all of the places in which I can improve. I've also sat by and watched my friends question their own self worth because of something that someone has said to them, taking no though of the implications. Maybe other people need to stop being so judgement alnd self righteous. We all need to take an inward look and see if we are the best we can be befor we even think about telling someone else how they should be. Where do peoepl get off thinking that is their right?

There are things that I am working on changing because I feel that I would be a better person if I do so, that change is for me not because someone else thinks I should! If I change things that I do, or how I conduct myself just because someone else has told me to, then all I am doing is conforming to ther image of what I should be. I'm quite happy with myself the way I am and in a world of nearly seven billion I think I'll manage just fine ignoring the critics! If you spend your life trying to change with the purpose of pleasing others in mind, when are you going to stop and be yourself and just get on and live your life... you've got to start sometime! Wether in friendship circles, relationships or even family groups changing to please another by fitting to the mold they have set just restricts you from fulfilling your full potential and being all you could be. Why be with someone if you want them to change who they are? why claim to be someone's friend if you only tolerate them  while they aren't as you wish?

...as the title states; it's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die...you're poisoning yourself while trying to change someone else; it's never going to have the desired effect and you end up doing more damage than good!

I am me! I am not someone's ball of clay to be molded as they see fit! take me as I am...

...or don't ...it's as simple as that!





Here's to living in a flawed reality where everyone is themselves and not some weird twisted Alice in Wonderland type place...please?!

As predicted the joys of exams took over for the latter half of January and the first hing to disappear was my blog into the technological ether that is the internet! Painful as revision can be (...global justice was painful beyond belief!) I found myself enjoying my revision for the Corruption module that I had detested during the term! Going through my notes I found myself reflecting on many of the points scrawled down . So these don't go to waste the next few posts will most likely be expanding on points I hve found in text books or excercise books and what I have thought about them.

One of the first ones was a quick fleeting comment from a passage in Skinner where he refers to Laziness and Ambition as twin evils. Adding some context I was revising republicanism; not the American party "The Republicans" but the idea of Republics such as Sparta! All was done in support of the Republic, anything which was not empowering the republic was seen as being not of virtue and therefor corrupt. Keeping this in mind the idea of laziness and ambition being the lrgest evils of equal strength makes sense; laziness being the refusal to take upon themselves the burden of fighting for the cause whatever the cause may be, coupled with ambition blinding individuals to the greater good. I thought for a while what I thought may be the evils of today and after much thought I decided upon Selfishness and idleness....which is pretty much the same as laziness and ambition, wether in a republic or a democracy a love for your fellow man coupled with  good work ethic always come out on top.