Ok so even after multiple personal resolves to improve my writing on my blog and also in my journal yet again I am my own victim of my personal challenges. It makes me wonder why I am always so adamant about setting my self personal challenges when I keep in mind my awful record of actually sticking to them!? I’m pretty sure that somewhere in a half completed journal somewhere there is no doubt a list and a date of challenges that I had recently undertaken. I say this because I can remember writing such a list while in a dizzy haze of self belief…oh the folly of my youth…I say that as if it was five years ago and I was still in school…oh how I wish! The truth is that this list was most likely written but six months ago. This sad realisation makes me want to curl up with the closest form of chocolate under an oversized duvet with something bread based….maybe a pizza….definitely a pizza…with all the cheese (I’m not sure if it’s the bread or the cheeses that I’m craving more while I wallow in pity!?....my life is quite a depressing state of affairs when it’s all written down)

I’m currently on a train heading to my Dads for the next week ….me and my amazing planning skills managed to overlook the fact that this trip includes mothers day 2011 and I am actually leaving my mom alone for this holiday that celebrates motherhood…..I’m an idiot!

ANYHOW!!! Less of the dull non events of my present existence…..(today has been ridiculous for many reasons all too boring to warrant documenting here) instead, the true reason why I am breaking my silence of electronic drivel is due to an epiphany ….ok maybe epiphany is a bit extreme as it was not a sudden realisation but more a gradual realisation over a week…or two…maybe even three (I’m pretty slow on the uptake)

I know that I quite often rabbit on about my friends and how much…(I’m on the phone to Libs helping her choose between a sherbet fountain and a dib dab![always happy to help]) they mean to me but it was only over the past few weeks I had truly come to understand how much they actually meant to me. Three years at university studying and living with people who in hindsight I hardly knew were three amazing years; as they drew to a close I started to realise how much I was going to miss them and delayed moving to Birmingham for another two months with excuse after excuse. I moved back to Birmingham….only to move out again two weeks later for 6 months into the most amazing cottage ever. It could have been the biggest mistake ever, Hannah and Libs had only met once or twice before we moved in and looking back on it I didn’t know Hannah all that well either….and I’d been friends with Libs for just under a year…..it sounds crazy ….if anyone else told me they were doing what we did I’d think they were insane. For the first few months we didn’t have a weekend alone; EVERY WEEKEND we had someone staying or we were somewhere else our weird gypsy family started to take shape; people from all over the country on occasion spending a few days in the cottage of love. As the cottage came to a close we managed to look back on our six months there and really appreciate it. I finally bit the bullet and moved home.

Being home now for a month-ish I can truly appreciate how much having friends around has really helped me over the past few years. There are certain things that aren’t for the blog……. And they’re kept in my journal (it’s a fine line) but I honestly don’t know where I’d have ended up if it wasn’t for a select few people in my life. It seems crazy as now I don’t even know where I’d be without them. I might live an hour and a half train ride from some, or an 11 hour flight from some, I may have known them for 6 months or for 11 years but those friendships are priceless.

The past weekend I was spending some time with some new friends….. oh my goodness…all I ended up doing was wishing that I was at home or just anywhere other than where I was. It sounds bad but that weekend I cam to truly appreciate the friendships I have with the people who I can whole heartedly call my friends. They’re honest to the point of brutality, opinionated, stubborn, confident but not arrogant, ‘quirky’, slightly out there and in the nicest way they don’t really care what you think about them. These are the people I choose to have around me and these are the people that I miss seeing on a daily or weekly basis. Some things deserve to be documented and if no one else is going to do it I guess then I should take it upon myself.

High Wycombe is a social abyss so even though this is quite obviously yet another resolve to write more……there wont be anything for about a week!!

I say that but who knows what this week will bring!

Who knows what the future will bring as a whole but I know that with friends like mine I’ll be fine!

I have absolutely nothing to write! 

On Thursday I'm heading down to High Wycombe, the land where I was born ....where nothing really happens...EVER!

This weekend my Dad, Mr A is getting married for the third time to a lady he's been with for twenty years!
I'm really excited, and not just for the excuse of a Hadley knees up (can't actually wait!) but to see then actually declare their love for each other as usually they're so dead pan when it come to emotions! She's been apart of my life as much as either of my parents and I know at times Dad's felt thatI liked her more than him! I'm so excited for them to make it official ....she still wont let me call her mom HA! People always get confused when I try and explain that one of my grandparents have died leaving me with five but I honestly love our family with all of its quirks!

Third time lucky...ABOUT TIME !

Tonight i went to see inception with my mom!

before which we went to Nando's

It was the best night I've had in ages

we're definitely going on a second date!

All families have at least one member that's a little bit out there! The one thats the centre for most family discussion even tho they're never there! Most of my family would probably say that I'm the odd one that has some odd life style whom they never hear from apart from when I just appear! I OBJECT!....It's definitely uncle Fred! Frederick Hibbert is also known as Toots; the lead singer of Tots and the Maytals! He's a legend and he's my uncle!

I know that I'm probably a bit to quick to say that my family is a joke...but really...

I rest my case!

To Whom it may concern,

Today society has dedicated to you!

Thank you for all that you do.
Thank you for being there for me
Thank you for the past few weeks!

Happy Fathers Day!

I love more than you could ever comprehend!

x

I have a whole book of letters written To whom they may concern!

Some are to actual people some to groups, some to people I don't even know but have just seen either on the street, in the library or in a shop, some to people still around, some to people passed on. I read through some of them the other day and it just made me smile hence why I started to share them...I will post a few more...or maybe many more; depending on how my mood takes me.

My parents are my best friends even when we don't get on or they start on their overly repetitive stories all I can do is laugh at them and with them, recently more so with them especially as I'm noticing all of the similar characteristic that we share. Dads aspirations for me that I just dismiss because it's Dad...now as we spend more time together are more in line with what I would actually like to do, rather than what he would like to tell people I do!

I am ready for university to be finished but that is definitely not where my education will finish. I have books to read, languages to learn, places to visit, people to meet, food to taste and a whole host of other opportunities that will be placed in my path! With new experiences come new acquaintances, moving away from what I have known for the past three years will also mean inevitably loosing touch with people who are present in my life right now. That process has already started to happen as my revision causes me to become a recluse my associations with people are not as strong as they once were and I know that this is my fault but I guess eventually it will make it easier for me to slip away come July; maybe then I'll be bothered about keeping in touch!

As soon as I break any assumed routine that I may develop everything goes to pot....usually starting with my sleeping patterns. So as soon as I decided to go home for a while I knew not to expect to become too familiar with my bed!

last week while in Birmingham I found myself watching women, weddings, wars and me around 2am. The program was about a girl called Nel who's family had left Afghanistan when she was five. She was now in her late teens/early twenties and was going back to see what the situation was like for women there now that the reign of oppression under the Taliban was 'over'.

As time went on I was intent on staying awake for another hour or two to see another program that was starting half an hour after the other finished called The Worlds most dangerous place for women where Judith from south London wen't back to DRC.  A war has run rife in the heart of Africa for over a decade and both sides have used women as a weapon.  Upon arrival in the Congo Jude had the opportunity to spend some time with her parents whom she hadn't seen since she was three, after a couple of days in the West of DRC she moved over to the East for a further five weeks. I have studied the shocking perversions of justice throughout the history of the Congo but all from behind the veil of education. I watched as an anthropologist assessing the opinions of directors, the aims of pieces and looking for cultural significances, the horrors of the situation although VERY apparent had no hold on me. Instead I focused on how it was all documented, dark fractured limbs shot against clean white sheets for high contrast, you have to detach yourself from it all as I already come out of my Friday lectures moved, if I became emotionally vested I'd be a mess week on week. I had no choice this time.  Village after village story after story; from the outset you knew it wasn't going to be the most pleasant of programs to watch but what I took from it was the immense strength of the women who accepted all they had been through and we're fighting for change against opposition from all around.

It got me to thinking about all that my grandparents had done in choosing to come to England all those years ago so that their children and the rest of their posterity could have better opportunities than they would have had back in the Caribbean even if it meant leaving family and high status' within their community to start again in a foreign land...all for me to decide that I want to move away and experience new things, but they understand why and support me in it fully. I've been to Jamaica once but I was too young to really remember it for what it was, I'd like to go back and see where my family is actually from. I'm also saving up for a trip to Curacao and St Vincent where my dad was born as I've never been and I still have family out there that I've never met. Crazy!

This might sound bad to those not in the know but I was quite surprised that I had an enjoyable time at my dads this past weekend. I love my dad, don't get me wrong, but we just don't get on because we're so similar. This weekend it was nice tho, he let me be the overly concerned daughter, he showed his slightly softer although still very hardened side and this weekend was  the first time where I have consciously  recognised similarities between the two of us and traits in me that I have gotten from him.

Also this weekend I read Another Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald as recommended by one of my favourite book worms and I loved it! As I was nearing the end of the book there were a lot of parts that I thought about sharing with the select few that I know read my ramblings, and then I got to the last page and it was decided! After Amory's privileged upbringing, haughty education at Princeton and all of his life experience...

'"It's a poor substitute at best," he said sadly. 

And he could not tell why the struggle was worth while, why he had determind to use the utmost himself and his heritage from the personalities he had passed....

He stretched out his arms to the crystaline, radiant sky.

"I know myself," he cried, "but that is all."'

"You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met..."

 

Today I had the joy of looking through some of my baby pictures! I was a mentalist...I am a mentalist, I blame my mom! Clearly back in the day...[when this day was I don't know but was a time befor style...or sense.....or cotton [Matching polyester sailor suit anyone?!] Looking at these pictures some brought back memories, some did not; but my mom was at hand to add some context to the pictures. My mom clearly wanted to be Doris Day, my dad looks like a Mexican....I still think he looks like a Mexican! I really miss Grandad Norman; there was a picture of him holding me when I was just a baby... you could see the love in his eyes and I still remember the friendship we had, I never got on with my grandma but I make an effort with her...this is vast progress from what our relationship used to be. Then there's nan and Grandad Gilbert; I had the joy of spending christmas with them this year; I'm still recovering.

We flicked through their wedding pictures and Grandad's flippant face stuck out in every picture...probably because it was such a familar sight. I laughed so hard! As I thumbed through drawers, albums and other piles of images I realised that I have minimal pictures of our family now, Nai and Sy need something that they can look back on...we started this Christmas ... but I'm glad that MOST of these pictures will NEVER see the light of day... pictures to come!

This time of year has always been busy for our family, 23rd Dad's Birthday, 24th Christmas Eve, 25th Christmas, 26th Boxing Day or Christmas II then 27th-30th to recover! A solid week of family fun!

There was always a cloud over Christmas when I was younger, being bullied by my cousins! Now it is the highlight of my year as we all crack jokes about how we used to avoid the Queens speech by cramming into uncles room [the smallest in the house], how Lauren, Naheela and I used to always get matching presents....as did our mothers [matching novelty toilet seats anyone?! no-one knows where Nan found them], how Nehemiah used to pile his food up on his plate and somehow still finish it while we all struggled. We are no longer the children of the family and this year was when I could see the change.

We found ourselves telling Lanai and Sariah off for rummaging around the Christmas tree for presents only to laugh at how Nan used to lock the front room to keep us out, laughing at Curtis waiting to eat until Christopher and Tamara came; reminiscent of Christmas dinner shifts at Nan’s house! I love when my family all get together as it always results in the joys of family banter, Granddad was on top form as always fuelled by Family Fortunes and watching us play Sonic and Mario Olympics on the Wii! That evening we went to our other aunts house where yet another branch of the family were.....this time the front room entertained a battle of the sexes on the Wii fit; [for the record the girls massacred the boys!] Different people but still the family banter continued till the early hours [my stomach hurts from laughing so hard!].

Ok so I've been meaning to write on here for the past few days. Like most thing I start with a huge amount of enthusiasm and slowly...well ... within a week and a half it dissipates drastically so we'll see how this holds up! I walked into a seminar on Thursday and sat down knowing it was going to be the usual ball of fun! (Tom Porter is my actual hero!) On the desk infront of me someone had left their newspaper insert and the headline was

"I didn't spend 25 years building
my career to become an unpaid
cleaner. I need more stimulation"

OK so it seems rather selfish the only reason this lady wants to work is because she wants the stimulation...In all fairness I love the feeling I get when I have a job and the satisfaction after each shift but at the same time it makes me appreciate sitting about and getting lost in a good book and listening to music. I do understand that it's not for everyone and maybe if that was what everyday was I may crave some other stimulation but being so career minded that no other stimulation will suffice.....if I'm ever this bad please slap me round the face and tell me to get my priorities straight!

"I think I'd be doing my children
a disservice by not working. I know
how miserable it would make me."

HOW WILL YOU KNOW UNLESS YOU GIVE IT A TRY!!!

My favourite section of the article had to be the Jeremy Kyle trap! I'd hate to be stuck in a routine of Trisha, This Morning, Gilmore Girls, topped off with Jeremy Kyle over the ironing but at the same time....I Love Jezza Kyle!(Loose Women will never grace my television!)

On a different note my mom worked when I was younger and was never a stay at home mom apart from right at the start....I don't feel like I have suffered because of this and have a good relationship with my mother. After school clubs were the highlight of my days when I was at school and I wouldn't have it any other way! Single parent families as we were/are, are more and more common today and even if a mother wants to stay at home sometimes she has no choice but to work due to the composition of the household or even down to the state of the economy, it's hard for some families to survive on one income. To all the single parents out there I salute you; and so will your children!


I'm curently a third year Politics and Development student, one of my favourite modules last year was about the struggle for women in the workplace and in gaining an education! I don't intend to get myself into £18,000 of joyful debt to not do anything with it! One of the main things that keeps me going through this final year is the thought that I can do something I enjoy hopefully related to my degree at the end of it. I have the oportunity to work, thousands of other woman do not have this opportunity I don't intend to waste mine!

I have nothing against housewives and think that the connotations of the label are unjustified. Many are highly educated and being a housewife to them is a choice rather than a trap as it is commonly viewed by the world. However being bound by apron strings is not how I intend to spend the next 20 years of my life but if you do....fair play!

A blog that I follow has a post on an article by Diane Gottsman related to this...just for your pleasure.....13 ways to keep your husband happy...kill me now! here's the article ! Enjoy