Archive for November 2009

All is Full of Love

Last week I spent 5 days being very annoyed at someone and they didn't have a clue.

I went to an all girls school and I loved it. However I'm not one to pretend that it was all Shopping, Hockey and Gym knickers [I got through 8 years without the joys of those horrid lyrca shorts] but one thing that I was sick of was the amount of people that talk behind other peoples backs, from the smallest of things to the largest of things, it's never necessary! (Especially when it's un-informed and purely speculative!) While having lunch with a good friend I realised that someone had said something to them about me and what I had been up to that was not correct at all. Although I laughed at first I was actually shocked and a little angry at the situation as I didn't think that they were that kind of person. [If you want to know what's going on with me honestly just ask!] I saw the person today for the second time since I was being annoyed at them. I can't be annoyed at them. What they did was stupid but people do stupid things! None of us are perfect, I make mistakes all the time that probably annoy people, I have no right to hold small mistakes against people.


Tonight I had a very English evening, we had a late Thanksgiving meal and drew on table cloths! I'm stuffed, I'm thankful for my family and the unrequited love they have for me, my friends for knowing me as well as they do and still wanting to be friends with me, my knowledge of the restored gospel and all that I have gained in the last three years since being apart of it, my education and the oportunities that I have. I am thankful for the house that I live in, the bed that I sleep in, the food that I eat and the fact that I can afford these basic things when so many other people cannot. I am thankful for my ability to read and to learn, to speak and to sing, to walk and to run. I am thankful that I am me and not anyone else.

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Thank You for being You

I love my friends! They are the weirdest bunch of people you are ever likely to meet but I love them anyway! Those in America who send the most entertaining e-mails known to man, those that just turn up at the door sometimes , random unplanned trips to the cinema and joyous banter that ensues, more importantly those that somehow end up catching a ride to Manchester, eat some Keylime pie and then sit up and chat till two in the morning even when we have to get up stupidly early! I love you just a little bit more. Not forgetting those that I live with. (As if they'd let me)

I have gained so much since I have been in Manchester; some things I will forget, some things I have forgotten but the people I have met here I will never forget...even those that I try to! Some of my friendships aren't as strong as I'd like them to be but I'm working at them. Give it time.

As I continue to think about all of the possible things that I may be doing next year, and all of the places I may be, I really have come to appreciate the time I have spent here in Manchester and how much I have grown as a person. The thought of moving on is a scary on but I've done it once I can do it again.

Thank you for being my friends, my confidantes, my strength!

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Baah Humbug

While I was waiting for my Ethics lecture doing my best granny impression; swamped in knitwear, sucking on a Werthers reading the guardian G2, I came across Tanya Golds article about the Harrods Christmas Shop. After she had described the many different types of Santa Clause she was surrounded by [all looking somewhat Like Goerge Clooney according to her] she writes

"I almost want a baby Jesus back. Almost. But Santa has sat on him. Cot death. "

"I realise that baby Jesus is too religious for Christmas. Baby Jesus[unlike Santa] isn't commercial. He doesn't sell things"
It's a sad thought, but it's true. Christmas has progressively lost the true meaning and become to many people a holiday for holiday's sake. Gift giving, food eatting and clearly most importantly Santa Clooney who brings even more presents and could probably balance that mince pie on his chisseled jaw line. While watching one of our favourite Christmas films; Elf [Will Ferrel at his finest] I realised that this film too gave the impression that Christmas was all about believing in Santa Clause! As society becomes more and more secular the more we should try and preserve the true meaning of Christmas and not let it become swept up in Commercialism.

Christmas when I was younger was all about the birth of Christ, my nan wouldn't have let us forget even though I myself was not religious. I worry that future generations will not experience a true Christmas, every year we get less Carol singers, less Nativities[my cousin's school haven't had one for the past three years] and more elaborate with our presents not mentioning Santa's grotto looking more like pimp my crib! So let's not forget where it all started; in a manger, in a stable, in Bethlehem. me anywhere in the scriptures where it makes reference to PENGUINS!!??

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Lover please....

I love Laura Marling

These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.

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Desperate Housewives

Ok so I've been meaning to write on here for the past few days. Like most thing I start with a huge amount of enthusiasm and slowly...well ... within a week and a half it dissipates drastically so we'll see how this holds up! I walked into a seminar on Thursday and sat down knowing it was going to be the usual ball of fun! (Tom Porter is my actual hero!) On the desk infront of me someone had left their newspaper insert and the headline was

"Are you secretly desperate to be a housewife?"

Every person that walked into the room looked at it with a hilarious look of disdain, turned up their nose and walked on! ...I slipped it into my bag...rather than just laughing at the awful picture on the front I thought that I'd have a look at what the article had to say! Scientific tests and surveys of the like have been done to say that women would much rather stay at home with "a baking sheet rather that a spreadsheet" while their partner goes off to work. My other favourite line was a comparison between ironing boards and the boardroom. Various women were quoted in the article

"I didn't spend 25 years building
my career to become an unpaid
cleaner. I need more stimulation"

OK so it seems rather selfish the only reason this lady wants to work is because she wants the stimulation...In all fairness I love the feeling I get when I have a job and the satisfaction after each shift but at the same time it makes me appreciate sitting about and getting lost in a good book and listening to music. I do understand that it's not for everyone and maybe if that was what everyday was I may crave some other stimulation but being so career minded that no other stimulation will suffice.....if I'm ever this bad please slap me round the face and tell me to get my priorities straight!

"I think I'd be doing my children
a disservice by not working. I know
how miserable it would make me."


My favourite section of the article had to be the Jeremy Kyle trap! I'd hate to be stuck in a routine of Trisha, This Morning, Gilmore Girls, topped off with Jeremy Kyle over the ironing but at the same time....I Love Jezza Kyle!(Loose Women will never grace my television!)

On a different note my mom worked when I was younger and was never a stay at home mom apart from right at the start....I don't feel like I have suffered because of this and have a good relationship with my mother. After school clubs were the highlight of my days when I was at school and I wouldn't have it any other way! Single parent families as we were/are, are more and more common today and even if a mother wants to stay at home sometimes she has no choice but to work due to the composition of the household or even down to the state of the economy, it's hard for some families to survive on one income. To all the single parents out there I salute you; and so will your children!

I'm curently a third year Politics and Development student, one of my favourite modules last year was about the struggle for women in the workplace and in gaining an education! I don't intend to get myself into £18,000 of joyful debt to not do anything with it! One of the main things that keeps me going through this final year is the thought that I can do something I enjoy hopefully related to my degree at the end of it. I have the oportunity to work, thousands of other woman do not have this opportunity I don't intend to waste mine!

I have nothing against housewives and think that the connotations of the label are unjustified. Many are highly educated and being a housewife to them is a choice rather than a trap as it is commonly viewed by the world. However being bound by apron strings is not how I intend to spend the next 20 years of my life but if you do....fair play!

A blog that I follow has a post on an article by Diane Gottsman related to this...just for your pleasure.....13 ways to keep your husband happy...kill me now! here's the article ! Enjoy

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To love & to cherish 'till death do us part...?

So last night I made the mistake of phoning my dad to ask about Christmas… I had intended to go with them … but now I don’t think I want to …I don’t know why…. I’m just not up for it! Anyhow as with most conversations it changed topic immediately and what should have taken 5 minutes at most ended up lasting half an hour… one of the things discussed is that my parents are finally getting a divorce… I’m 21…I turn 22 in 6 months…I’m by no means a child and I have no memory what so ever of my parents being together! As far back as I can remember Dad has been with Jane and mom was with George he was …well that’s not for public viewing but ….. she’s better off without him. It’s not as if I’ve ever thought that they’d get back together but the fact that they were still married somewhere deep down meant something to me. How Jane copes with dad I don’t know but she has done for the past 20 years…longer than any other woman ever could. It can only be a good thing that they’re getting married. Nothing will change…just that one piece of paper will be replaced with another which will enable Dad and Jane to get another piece of paper not too dissimilar to the one that will be void in a few months (if that)

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I believe in eternal parents arent and it may seem that to them it's more a case of until someone better comes along... but that's way too parents gave it a good try but they just don't get on plus it didnt help that Dad spent most of his time workign in Germany, Israel and Egypt when they were together! I'm not making excuses but sometimes it just doesn't work. I guess it's the end of an era that realistically ended quite a while ago....I am now yet another statistic ....just another child from a broken home! ...I love my twisted family!

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Hapiness is a choice

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy,
in whatever situation I may be;
for I have also learned from experience that
the greater part of our happiness or misery
depends upon our dispositions,
and not upon our circumstances.

- Martha Washington

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Burning Books

Today is a day dedicated to working in the library ...trusty ol' John Rylands in Green three. I only have to be in uni 3-4 for one lecture but insted I've been here since 8.45 with a break at 12-1.30 for lunch with a good friend....who just happens to be the person unfortunate enough to have been the person I felt I should tell how I felt yesterday. How they put up with me I don't know! they know me way too well and I find it quite funny even if a little scary at times. My random outburst yesterday came up as a topic for discussion ... mainly they were wondering where it came from; I tried to articulate it as best I could... that I knew I could tell them how I felt and it wouldn't affect anything between us but it came out as I can tell you how I'm feeling and I know you wouldn't care....WRONG, if anyone would, I know they'd care! I think they eventually understood and then the rest of lunch was spent with chat over chips from University V grills and a rumage in Bernardos as it's never open! I made my way back to the library and was there for about an hour when the fire alarm went off. I have never seen a group of students so determind to work; this is however a skewed proportion of the university population ....these students know where the library is, unlike most! The alarm was going off for quite a while befor anyone moved...and even then some tried to stay. It wasn't until the security guards came to usher everyone out that people eventully abandoned the comfort of the books. One of the highlights of this episode being all the students setting off the book alarms as they left the library refusing to leave behind the books they had spent the last hour looking for! Good luck getting those back Mr Rylands!

After waiting outside for roughly 10 minutes I gave up on the hope of ever regaining entry to the library befor it was time to leave for my lecture so I headed over early to find there were people already in there who had also given up on the library! Welcome to third year at university.

I enjoy Veronique Pin Fat's lectures but it had been such a long day that even I couldn't help nodding off slightly. Now imagine if I hadn't eatten a rocky road, pecan plait and had a hot vimto this morning ...I'd have been out cold! It was raining on the walk back to the library...this country makes it hard to be enthusiastic about studying! This university although a pretty good one is one of the lowest scoring for student satisfaction! (I can't say that this is due to fire alarms in the library because of building work or price increases in the library cafe above inflation ...but it doesn't help)

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Words as Actions

On Sunday I said I was going to start telling people how I felt...I started today! I told someone quite close to me to stop justifying their actions to me. You know those people that worry how their actions are going to make you feel even when the two aren't linked by any stretch of the imagintion. They seemed pretty confused by the whole thing and I felt terribly uncomfortable, but I'm glad it's been said and I'm hoping that we can just carry on being friends. I shyed away from telling them at first but as soon as they realised there was something on my mind I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere unless I told them. I wouldn't say it feels better now that I've told them how I feel but it is one less thing to have to think about. I didn't just want to start with people who I'm passing aquaintances with...I started this resolve with someone whom I hold quite dear as I know whatever I told them it wouldn't change how things are between us. I love having people like that around me.

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If you've lost your faith in love & music oh the end won't be long

If you've lost your faith in love and music
Oh the end won't be long
Because if it's gone for you then I too may lose it
And that would be wrong

I've tried so hard to keep myself from falling
Back into my bad old ways
And it chars my heart to always hear you calling
Calling for the good old days
Because there were no good old days
These are the good old days

every week I flick through my ipod and rekindle my love for a band that has been lost in the mass of artists that are on my ipod. Last week was Regina Spektor; this week, The Libertines! I used to love them just because it made a great soundtrack to my life at the time, full of energy and care free! I pressed play and found myself relating to many of the lyrics...while unable to get up and just dance around my room as I used to ....being older means more work and hence less time... I did find myself being filled with the same love for life that I had when these albums first came out! Regina caused me to dance up the street and forget about myself for 3.35 minutes. The Libertines has reminded me of the joie de vivre of years gone past and all I can say to Mr Doherty and Barrat is thank you!

It's easy to idealise the past and only remember the good things but they too were filled with troubles of their own. When I am older I'll probably be looking back on these days that seem to be so full of stress and other joyful emotions but once youcan step outside of the situation you can really appreciate it for what it was (or sweep it under the table and pretend it never happened!)

...these are the good old days!

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This year, less fear more fun!

I'm an only child but apparently you can't tell! However there are certain things that I do ...or don't do that I have put down to the fact that I have no siblings.

I don't talk alot; my Dad likes to listening skills, I attribute to my mom, she taught me to be polite, also my dad as he likes to talk and, well's polite to listen! The fact that I don't like to talk I have put down to the simple reason that I'm so used to people talking...I rather enjoy it when people aren't! it gives me a chance to listen to everything else going on around me!

I'm confident with who I a degree! btu at the sme time I'm not confident in expressing my opinion! there are many reasons behind this,

1) because after you express an opinion, people want to ask you questions about said opinion and I rarely feel confident enough to do that!

2) I care too much what people think! back to the whole only child saga, I care about my friends and I'd rather not risk isolating them with my views and opinions, not that I'm one to chastise people with my opinions or force them on anyone else but one said my reasoning made sense!

3) what's my opinion worth any way! I like to think and as a result of that I'd much rather listen to other peoples point of view and inwardly see how I feel about it!

....Sometimes I feel like I might want to express a point or contribute to a discussion ... but by that time conversation has usually moved on!

I have my freinds, I'm happy with them. I wouldn't really mind if my friend count stopped as it is as. I have enough close friends that I really don't mind if I didnt make any new friends in the next year or so! Yes sometimes, as they know, I can be blunt but I have nothing to fear. So what if you don't agree with my point of view...if I'm really honest I don't actually care because everyone is entitled to their opinion and it's about time I started expressing mine!

as the title suggests this year...well from now LESS FEAR MORE FUN!

This weekend was stake conference...I had to speak! I was quite happy I was on the Saturday session rather than the Sunday one as I may have had a break down. I was still petrified but I managed to get through it! Less fear ...more fun!

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Frozen Over

Curled up.

In a ball.

On my bed.

Today is cold.

I am sure it's warmer outside!

How I miss central heating.

How I love my hot water bottle!

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Keeping up with Appearances

I'm not a great mind, and there's a good chance that nothing I write is going to be of worth in years to come! However still I feel that all that has gone before, should stay safe and securely kept where it occured; that being in the past. Of all the things one may choose to leave behind, and be remembered for teenage angst is not one!

I frequently sit in rooms full of people deep in discussion about many differing topics from state, society, culture, religion, music, politics the list goes on ( and at times so do the people )! One thing that I frequently notice is that my opinion, no matter how vauge or contrived, is usually shared by another in the room, who somehow always manages to express the point befor I can find utterance; much to the annoyance of myself. I love my degree with all my heart but rather than feeling that I am becoming a well rounded educated person, I find myself becoming more insecure, aware of my flaws and more unsure of what my future has instore. Along with the joys that come from a life with no direction comes the brain ache of trying to keep up in my tutorials...Never going to happen!

The escapist within does what she knows best, ignores my surroundings and instead dreams of anywhere other than here, doing anything other than this. The two posibilities well three for when I finish my degree are becoming regulr thoughts to ponder on. PGCE...seems a cop out right now and also rather the stressful. The way third year is getting to me I'm not sure that the stresses of a PGCE are for me right now! To stay in Manchester and just work! I love this city and I do clss it as my home but it would be cheaper and there would be less pressure on me if I was living in Birmingham. The other option... move abroad! The only option right now that gets me excited. The thought of being anywhere new experiencing things I have not so far in my 21 years on this Earth fills me with happiness...I think I may have answered my own question!...

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"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting"

- e. e. Cummings
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