Today I had the joy of looking through some of my baby pictures! I was a mentalist...I am a mentalist, I blame my mom! Clearly back in the day...[when this day was I don't know but was a time befor style...or sense.....or cotton [Matching polyester sailor suit anyone?!] Looking at these pictures some brought back memories, some did not; but my mom was at hand to add some context to the pictures. My mom clearly wanted to be Doris Day, my dad looks like a Mexican....I still think he looks like a Mexican! I really miss Grandad Norman; there was a picture of him holding me when I was just a baby... you could see the love in his eyes and I still remember the friendship we had, I never got on with my grandma but I make an effort with her...this is vast progress from what our relationship used to be. Then there's nan and Grandad Gilbert; I had the joy of spending christmas with them this year; I'm still recovering.

We flicked through their wedding pictures and Grandad's flippant face stuck out in every picture...probably because it was such a familar sight. I laughed so hard! As I thumbed through drawers, albums and other piles of images I realised that I have minimal pictures of our family now, Nai and Sy need something that they can look back on...we started this Christmas ... but I'm glad that MOST of these pictures will NEVER see the light of day... pictures to come!

I heard a puff, I heard a blow
I felt the ground, I felt the snow
I thought of linen and old lace
I never really saw his face
I heard a grunt, I heard a moan
I felt the sun, I saw the moon
I saw the northern light above
And the eclipse of the sun
I am a breath, I am a wish
I am a rocket, And a fish
I felt his measures and his weight
My own body as a scale
You heard a whisper in my ear
You are not here, you are not there
I saw the northern light above
The eclipse of the sun
My feet was hurt, my knees were sore
And I wondered why he burned
And I wondered why he burned

Kino - The Knife

This time of year has always been busy for our family, 23rd Dad's Birthday, 24th Christmas Eve, 25th Christmas, 26th Boxing Day or Christmas II then 27th-30th to recover! A solid week of family fun!

There was always a cloud over Christmas when I was younger, being bullied by my cousins! Now it is the highlight of my year as we all crack jokes about how we used to avoid the Queens speech by cramming into uncles room [the smallest in the house], how Lauren, Naheela and I used to always get matching presents....as did our mothers [matching novelty toilet seats anyone?! no-one knows where Nan found them], how Nehemiah used to pile his food up on his plate and somehow still finish it while we all struggled. We are no longer the children of the family and this year was when I could see the change.

We found ourselves telling Lanai and Sariah off for rummaging around the Christmas tree for presents only to laugh at how Nan used to lock the front room to keep us out, laughing at Curtis waiting to eat until Christopher and Tamara came; reminiscent of Christmas dinner shifts at Nan’s house! I love when my family all get together as it always results in the joys of family banter, Granddad was on top form as always fuelled by Family Fortunes and watching us play Sonic and Mario Olympics on the Wii! That evening we went to our other aunts house where yet another branch of the family were.....this time the front room entertained a battle of the sexes on the Wii fit; [for the record the girls massacred the boys!] Different people but still the family banter continued till the early hours [my stomach hurts from laughing so hard!].

IT IS SNOWING...THAT IS ALL

I've got a feeling! Whooooooo! This weekend's going to be a good one!
Ok bad joke, but I didn't care in the car! Surrounded by some of the people I love, I was on top of the world. Yes there are stresses that I cannot escape but in the larger scale of things how significant are they really!? A few...ok alot of us went to watch Where the Wild Things Are on Friday. A Spike Jonez film based on the much loved childrens book. I can't hide how excited I was for this film to be released. The soundtrack by Karen O and the Kids, fitted perfectly with the beautifuly shot film. I was stirred to emotion at more than one point and found pondering on points raised long after the film had finished.  Bearing in mind Where the Wild Things Are is a childrens book there were alot of moments that I was captured by. One line, I think was said by Ira to Max was "Can you take away the saddness?" Max said yes....the answer was No! Of course a 10 year old boy cannot take away the saddness experienced by Ira and the rest of the wild things, it's something that they had to overcome on their own. We can't expect other people to improve our current preddicaments, we are where we are because of our actions, thoughts and deeds, only we can improve the situtions that we have put ourselves in. As Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said "Come what may, and Love it". While we are here we are tried in many different ways, sometimes it may seem like there is no way out, accept the situation for what it is, it will pass and you will most likely come out stronger than befor. Don't constantly try and blame others for trial you are experiencing, accept the fact that some of these trials are due to choices you have made, none of us re entirely blameless. As the sun sets on yet another day, I'm greatful for so much. I'm glad that recently I have managed to come to certain conclusions and realisations pertaining to thoughts that had been on my mind for quite a while and I feel really good about things.

I've missed being me the past two months, I am going to miss university, I know I have already stressed this point but I'm looking forward to reconnecting with the other side of me. All the books that have gone unread, songs that have gone unsung and comments that have gone unsaid are all waiting to come out and I can't wait. I wan't to be forever young, I refuse to become bogged down with the strains of daily life, I will relish every moment, and look for the good within in it! There is opposition in everything, I'm focussing on the good!

Today was a Thursday ... it technically still is a Thursday! Since the start of this term I have had a shocking work ethic, to make up for this lagging work ethic I have a theory... nothing good happens on days that begin with a "T".....it is therfore quite convienient that I am only in classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I met up with a friend from my course in our hour brek to discuss our plans for the future and the happenings in our friends lives. It was nice to sit and talk to Lottie as I have missed her calming effect on me. It does not seem like I have already endured two years of accademic criticism at the hands of the faculty of social sciences at Manchester University, but soon my time as an undergraduate will draw to an end and I will have my degree! it will not show my true potential because rather than applying myself in the ways that I, and everyone around me knows I can, I instead procrastinate and panic. As much as I do not want to be this person I cannot help it. As much as I try to apply myself I inevitabley become distracted with everything and anything around me, secluding my self from distractions doesn't help as then I just end up deep in thought pondering on some abstract point that has no relevnce. Today I noticed how many people in my lectures were left handed and what a peculiar thing writing is, from holding a pen, to the movements of said pen to finally the resultant handwriting which are just shapes on a piece of paper that through our common knowledge we all understand and hold meaning to the varied collections of shapes. Today I paid attention in my classes and I still had time for that! I love the English language and all of it's complexities, strange quirks and patterns.

I'm going to miss being at University, sounds strange I know; but I love the accademic aspects, reading, writting[however flawed my essays may be], discussing and the rest of it! I love the feeling after a day of lectures...clouded by the tiredness, the sense of achievement, a hapiness at having learnt something new, at understanding a new theory and how it applies. I can continue my love for political philosophy after leaving university but I won't be surrounded with classrooms and theatres of people who have the same interests and I know have read the same things as I have. I will miss that. Here's to higher education and all of the perks! I'm going to relish my last semester, as postgraduate study seems to be a far cry from undergraduate in oh so many ways!

After spending the last two months panicing about the strains of a deadline looming each week, the time has come where I now have my last essay due on Monday. Seven deadlines in Six weeks has been anything but fun but I've surprised myself in my capablity to meet these deadlines; althouh I have taken my sanity to the brink and back far too often; I am still here. I have Rawls and Nozick seeping out of my pores, Beitz under my nails and after three atempts I still can't wash the Walzer out of my hair. I am no longer the free thinking person I was and instead all that flows through the cavernous void that is my head are the theories and opinions of Political Theorists that I have the joy of studying.

I realised the other day that I couldn't recall the last time that I'd read a book for pleasure or sat down and just watched a film! I have no time for the things that I love. I love uni but I refuse to let it become all that I am. I have made a point of picking up the guitar daily ....again only when there are not others around [but that's how I like it], reading books that I want to read, but have no link to my essays even if I end up citing them in essays on corruption anyway, taking pictures of people and places because it makes me smile, spending time with people I want to because I can't imagine not spending time with them and singing because I find it more fulfilling than talking.

Rather than posting yet another video of a song that I love right now, instead, a passage from "An Essay on Man" by Alexander Pope which I used to carry in my purse...

          "Cease then, nor order imperfection name:

The other week I had the misfortune of seeing one of my close friends quite upset because of something she had done. In the grand scheme of things it was nothing but at that time she felt as if her world was falling apart. I had nothing to say I had not been in the situation she was in, I tried to empathyse, I tried to relate her predicament to ones I had been in, but they all fell short. I tried to get her to calm down, I made her lie down and I made her stop talking [ I find that talking about bad situations makes you dwell on them and also blow them out of proportion....another reason why I don't speak] this didn't work as I could tell she was thinking about it! I had the ingenious idea of boring her to death... yes I cracked out my journal! It states in my journal after I read through once, that I think it probably the most uninteresting piece of extended writting on this earth and that says something! She thought the exact opposite. I'd forgotten how many little things I had written in there, reading them back to her, mocking myself, we were both laughing at some of the stuff I had written. Soon we were joined by another friend who didn't know why the other was upset but wanted to join in on the journal reading.

I used to be petrified about what would happen if someone who I didn't want reading my journal found it and did just that. I'd thought about tearing some pages out, I will not! Everything scrawled on those pages are things that I thought, felt and experienced; pretending they never happened would be cheating myself of memories along with my friends of the humor that flows through those pages of my life.


This is a formal retraction of the comment in my journal describing it as the most boring piece of writing ever! I may not find reading my the goings on in my life a few months after they've happened interesting but others do and in all fairness my journal isn't for me! In a few years I might look back on them and laugh, but right now my friends can look at them and draw closer to me. Laughing at how I wrote in my journal took her mind off what was going on with her and if my journal achieves nothing else....it did some good for her.

Despite what the calendar may tell you it is definately Winter right now which upsets me somewhat. The trees are bare and all of the red and orange leaves that covered them up till last week are now rotting on the floor. In the morning I peer out of my bedroom window watching as people scrape the ice off their cars and I am glad that I do not drive. I then remind myself that their iced over car has heating unlike my walk to uni where I will freeze to the point that my ears ache [which is my least favourite feeling ever!] I also have not found a pair of boots that I like yet meaning that I never have full feeling in my feet. [this is my second least favourite feeling ever!]

Today I am listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Apples in Stereo! Today is a good day. I am reading about torture....I guess today could be better! I danced in the library for at least 20 minutes with Lisa and Dan looking at me like I was a fool but today I didn't care! I'm bored with workshop logs and essays and the rest of it! After laughing at me dancing Dan is now playing the air drums with the same amount of vigour as animal from the muppets! Welcome to John Rylands!

I realised today that I over think things... when I say things I mean everything! I'm going to stop, I think alot and don't really talk all that much but sometimes I just have nothing to say. Ask me a question face to face and I'll probably find one hundred things to look at befor I make eye contact again just to say "I don't know" with a flippant shrug of the shoulders. Ask me the same question by email or in a letter and I'll write reams for you. I think this is due to the detatchment of the situation. When someone is there you can see their reaction and you know when they're bored of what you're saying, or if they don't understand what you're saying or my favourite, when they were just trying to make polite conversation! In an email or letter they can choose when they stop reading or, but most likely not if they actually care about what you said, and dont understand, they can just ask you to explain the point. I think the art or writing has been lost somewhat and this upsets me. I miss writting long letters to my friends whose house I could walk to. There was no reason for these letters, everything in them could have just been said face to face but I enjoyed recieving post and so did she. I still hve these letters in a box at home andsometimes I like to read over them and laugh at how we were caught up in everything.

My aim this week: to make more small talk

Days like today I can't get out of bed no matter how hard I try! SO I resort to songs like the one below



This song would be on the soundtrack to the film of my life!

"Ye are the light of the world.
A city that is set on an hill cannot
be hid.

Neither do men light a candle,
and put it under a bushel, but on a
candlestick; and it giveth light unto
all that are in the house.

Let your light so shine before
men, that they may see your good
works, and glorify your Father
which is in heaven."

- Matthew 5 : 14-16

Last week I spent 5 days being very annoyed at someone and they didn't have a clue.

I went to an all girls school and I loved it. However I'm not one to pretend that it was all Shopping, Hockey and Gym knickers [I got through 8 years without the joys of those horrid lyrca shorts] but one thing that I was sick of was the amount of people that talk behind other peoples backs, from the smallest of things to the largest of things, it's never necessary! (Especially when it's un-informed and purely speculative!) While having lunch with a good friend I realised that someone had said something to them about me and what I had been up to that was not correct at all. Although I laughed at first I was actually shocked and a little angry at the situation as I didn't think that they were that kind of person. [If you want to know what's going on with me honestly just ask!] I saw the person today for the second time since I was being annoyed at them. I can't be annoyed at them. What they did was stupid but people do stupid things! None of us are perfect, I make mistakes all the time that probably annoy people, I have no right to hold small mistakes against people.

ALSO

Tonight I had a very English evening, we had a late Thanksgiving meal and drew on table cloths! I'm stuffed, I'm thankful for my family and the unrequited love they have for me, my friends for knowing me as well as they do and still wanting to be friends with me, my knowledge of the restored gospel and all that I have gained in the last three years since being apart of it, my education and the oportunities that I have. I am thankful for the house that I live in, the bed that I sleep in, the food that I eat and the fact that I can afford these basic things when so many other people cannot. I am thankful for my ability to read and to learn, to speak and to sing, to walk and to run. I am thankful that I am me and not anyone else.

I love my friends! They are the weirdest bunch of people you are ever likely to meet but I love them anyway! Those in America who send the most entertaining e-mails known to man, those that just turn up at the door sometimes , random unplanned trips to the cinema and joyous banter that ensues, more importantly those that somehow end up catching a ride to Manchester, eat some Keylime pie and then sit up and chat till two in the morning even when we have to get up stupidly early! I love you just a little bit more. Not forgetting those that I live with. (As if they'd let me)

I have gained so much since I have been in Manchester; some things I will forget, some things I have forgotten but the people I have met here I will never forget...even those that I try to! Some of my friendships aren't as strong as I'd like them to be but I'm working at them. Give it time.



As I continue to think about all of the possible things that I may be doing next year, and all of the places I may be, I really have come to appreciate the time I have spent here in Manchester and how much I have grown as a person. The thought of moving on is a scary on but I've done it once I can do it again.

Thank you for being my friends, my confidantes, my strength!

While I was waiting for my Ethics lecture doing my best granny impression; swamped in knitwear, sucking on a Werthers reading the guardian G2, I came across Tanya Golds article about the Harrods Christmas Shop. After she had described the many different types of Santa Clause she was surrounded by [all looking somewhat Like Goerge Clooney according to her] she writes

"I almost want a baby Jesus back. Almost. But Santa has sat on him. Cot death. "

"I realise that baby Jesus is too religious for Christmas. Baby Jesus[unlike Santa] isn't commercial. He doesn't sell things"

I love Laura Marling




These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.

Ok so I've been meaning to write on here for the past few days. Like most thing I start with a huge amount of enthusiasm and slowly...well ... within a week and a half it dissipates drastically so we'll see how this holds up! I walked into a seminar on Thursday and sat down knowing it was going to be the usual ball of fun! (Tom Porter is my actual hero!) On the desk infront of me someone had left their newspaper insert and the headline was

"I didn't spend 25 years building
my career to become an unpaid
cleaner. I need more stimulation"

OK so it seems rather selfish the only reason this lady wants to work is because she wants the stimulation...In all fairness I love the feeling I get when I have a job and the satisfaction after each shift but at the same time it makes me appreciate sitting about and getting lost in a good book and listening to music. I do understand that it's not for everyone and maybe if that was what everyday was I may crave some other stimulation but being so career minded that no other stimulation will suffice.....if I'm ever this bad please slap me round the face and tell me to get my priorities straight!

"I think I'd be doing my children
a disservice by not working. I know
how miserable it would make me."

HOW WILL YOU KNOW UNLESS YOU GIVE IT A TRY!!!

My favourite section of the article had to be the Jeremy Kyle trap! I'd hate to be stuck in a routine of Trisha, This Morning, Gilmore Girls, topped off with Jeremy Kyle over the ironing but at the same time....I Love Jezza Kyle!(Loose Women will never grace my television!)

On a different note my mom worked when I was younger and was never a stay at home mom apart from right at the start....I don't feel like I have suffered because of this and have a good relationship with my mother. After school clubs were the highlight of my days when I was at school and I wouldn't have it any other way! Single parent families as we were/are, are more and more common today and even if a mother wants to stay at home sometimes she has no choice but to work due to the composition of the household or even down to the state of the economy, it's hard for some families to survive on one income. To all the single parents out there I salute you; and so will your children!


I'm curently a third year Politics and Development student, one of my favourite modules last year was about the struggle for women in the workplace and in gaining an education! I don't intend to get myself into £18,000 of joyful debt to not do anything with it! One of the main things that keeps me going through this final year is the thought that I can do something I enjoy hopefully related to my degree at the end of it. I have the oportunity to work, thousands of other woman do not have this opportunity I don't intend to waste mine!

I have nothing against housewives and think that the connotations of the label are unjustified. Many are highly educated and being a housewife to them is a choice rather than a trap as it is commonly viewed by the world. However being bound by apron strings is not how I intend to spend the next 20 years of my life but if you do....fair play!

A blog that I follow has a post on an article by Diane Gottsman related to this...just for your pleasure.....13 ways to keep your husband happy...kill me now! here's the article ! Enjoy

So last night I made the mistake of phoning my dad to ask about Christmas… I had intended to go with them … but now I don’t think I want to …I don’t know why…. I’m just not up for it! Anyhow as with most conversations it changed topic immediately and what should have taken 5 minutes at most ended up lasting half an hour… one of the things discussed is that my parents are finally getting a divorce… I’m 21…I turn 22 in 6 months…I’m by no means a child and I have no memory what so ever of my parents being together! As far back as I can remember Dad has been with Jane and mom was with George he was …well that’s not for public viewing but ….. she’s better off without him. It’s not as if I’ve ever thought that they’d get back together but the fact that they were still married somewhere deep down meant something to me. How Jane copes with dad I don’t know but she has done for the past 20 years…longer than any other woman ever could. It can only be a good thing that they’re getting married. Nothing will change…just that one piece of paper will be replaced with another which will enable Dad and Jane to get another piece of paper not too dissimilar to the one that will be void in a few months (if that)

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I believe in eternal marriage....my parents arent and it may seem that to them it's more a case of until someone better comes along... but that's way too harsh...my parents gave it a good try but they just don't get on plus it didnt help that Dad spent most of his time workign in Germany, Israel and Egypt when they were together! I'm not making excuses but sometimes it just doesn't work. I guess it's the end of an era that realistically ended quite a while ago....I am now yet another statistic ....just another child from a broken home! ...I love my twisted family!

Today is a day dedicated to working in the library ...trusty ol' John Rylands in Green three. I only have to be in uni 3-4 for one lecture but insted I've been here since 8.45 with a break at 12-1.30 for lunch with a good friend....who just happens to be the person unfortunate enough to have been the person I felt I should tell how I felt yesterday. How they put up with me I don't know! they know me way too well and I find it quite funny even if a little scary at times. My random outburst yesterday came up as a topic for discussion ... mainly they were wondering where it came from; I tried to articulate it as best I could... that I knew I could tell them how I felt and it wouldn't affect anything between us but it came out as I can tell you how I'm feeling and I know you wouldn't care....WRONG, if anyone would, I know they'd care! I think they eventually understood and then the rest of lunch was spent with chat over chips from University V grills and a rumage in Bernardos as it's never open! I made my way back to the library and was there for about an hour when the fire alarm went off. I have never seen a group of students so determind to work; this is however a skewed proportion of the university population ....these students know where the library is, unlike most! The alarm was going off for quite a while befor anyone moved...and even then some tried to stay. It wasn't until the security guards came to usher everyone out that people eventully abandoned the comfort of the books. One of the highlights of this episode being all the students setting off the book alarms as they left the library refusing to leave behind the books they had spent the last hour looking for! Good luck getting those back Mr Rylands!

After waiting outside for roughly 10 minutes I gave up on the hope of ever regaining entry to the library befor it was time to leave for my lecture so I headed over early to find there were people already in there who had also given up on the library! Welcome to third year at university.

I enjoy Veronique Pin Fat's lectures but it had been such a long day that even I couldn't help nodding off slightly. Now imagine if I hadn't eatten a rocky road, pecan plait and had a hot vimto this morning ...I'd have been out cold! It was raining on the walk back to the library...this country makes it hard to be enthusiastic about studying! This university although a pretty good one is one of the lowest scoring for student satisfaction! (I can't say that this is due to fire alarms in the library because of building work or price increases in the library cafe above inflation ...but it doesn't help)

On Sunday I said I was going to start telling people how I felt...I started today! I told someone quite close to me to stop justifying their actions to me. You know those people that worry how their actions are going to make you feel even when the two aren't linked by any stretch of the imagintion. They seemed pretty confused by the whole thing and I felt terribly uncomfortable, but I'm glad it's been said and I'm hoping that we can just carry on being friends. I shyed away from telling them at first but as soon as they realised there was something on my mind I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere unless I told them. I wouldn't say it feels better now that I've told them how I feel but it is one less thing to have to think about. I didn't just want to start with people who I'm passing aquaintances with...I started this resolve with someone whom I hold quite dear as I know whatever I told them it wouldn't change how things are between us. I love having people like that around me.

If you've lost your faith in love and music
Oh the end won't be long
Because if it's gone for you then I too may lose it
And that would be wrong

I've tried so hard to keep myself from falling
Back into my bad old ways
And it chars my heart to always hear you calling
Calling for the good old days
Because there were no good old days
These are the good old days

every week I flick through my ipod and rekindle my love for a band that has been lost in the mass of artists that are on my ipod. Last week was Regina Spektor; this week, The Libertines! I used to love them just because it made a great soundtrack to my life at the time, full of energy and care free! I pressed play and found myself relating to many of the lyrics...while unable to get up and just dance around my room as I used to ....being older means more work and hence less time... I did find myself being filled with the same love for life that I had when these albums first came out! Regina caused me to dance up the street and forget about myself for 3.35 minutes. The Libertines has reminded me of the joie de vivre of years gone past and all I can say to Mr Doherty and Barrat is thank you!

It's easy to idealise the past and only remember the good things but they too were filled with troubles of their own. When I am older I'll probably be looking back on these days that seem to be so full of stress and other joyful emotions but once youcan step outside of the situation you can really appreciate it for what it was (or sweep it under the table and pretend it never happened!)

...these are the good old days!

I'm an only child but apparently you can't tell! However there are certain things that I do ...or don't do that I have put down to the fact that I have no siblings.

I'm not a great mind, and there's a good chance that nothing I write is going to be of worth in years to come! However still I feel that all that has gone before, should stay safe and securely kept where it occured; that being in the past. Of all the things one may choose to leave behind, and be remembered for teenage angst is not one!

I frequently sit in rooms full of people deep in discussion about many differing topics from state, society, culture, religion, music, politics the list goes on ( and at times so do the people )! One thing that I frequently notice is that my opinion, no matter how vauge or contrived, is usually shared by another in the room, who somehow always manages to express the point befor I can find utterance; much to the annoyance of myself. I love my degree with all my heart but rather than feeling that I am becoming a well rounded educated person, I find myself becoming more insecure, aware of my flaws and more unsure of what my future has instore. Along with the joys that come from a life with no direction comes the brain ache of trying to keep up in my tutorials...Never going to happen!

The escapist within does what she knows best, ignores my surroundings and instead dreams of anywhere other than here, doing anything other than this. The two posibilities well three for when I finish my degree are becoming regulr thoughts to ponder on. PGCE...seems a cop out right now and also rather the stressful. The way third year is getting to me I'm not sure that the stresses of a PGCE are for me right now! To stay in Manchester and just work! I love this city and I do clss it as my home but it would be cheaper and there would be less pressure on me if I was living in Birmingham. The other option... move abroad! The only option right now that gets me excited. The thought of being anywhere new experiencing things I have not so far in my 21 years on this Earth fills me with happiness...I think I may have answered my own question!...